Finding companions in loss

“To comfort all those who mourn and to give them for ashes a garland; for mourning robe, the oil of gladness.” (Isaiah 61:3)

Sometimes our lives demand not gentle steps, but quantum leaps in faith as we are thrown into uncharted territory and have to confront significant changes in our lives.

Some of those changes are manageable and bring joy and fulfilment; others are devastating and bring sadness and disruption. At the intense end of the continuum of change is loss and grief following the death of a loved one.

However grief visits us, and in whatever guise, we are not alone in our pain, for grief is part of the universal human experience. We cannot minimise it or avoid it, but as Christians we hope that there is a way through it. There is no map for the landscape of loss and no clear markers for the journey through bereavement: this is an individual process which has a momentum of its own. It’s often chaotic and unpredictable. To navigate it, we need the support, kindness and compassion of those nearest to us as well as the support of the Christian Community. As “The Order of Christian Funerals” reminds us:

“The responsibility for the ministry of consolation rests with the believing community, which heeds the words and example of the Lord Jesus;  “Blessed are they who mourn; they shall be consoled.” (Mt 5:3)

 A major consultation in the Diocese of Hexham and Newcastle titled “Forward Together in Hope” (2014-2017) explored what it meant to be a disciple of the Lord in our local communities. This consultation also identified gaps in pastoral care provision which merited development, including accompaniment of the dying and bereavement support.

A small working group was invited to consider how such an important aspect of pastoral care might evolve. The group comprised the diocesan coordinator of spirituality, a diocesan priest with extensive experience in mental healthcare, a sister for Christian community, a palliative care consultant and a counsellor with a special interest in loss and bereavement. 

The group worked with a great deal of energy and commitment and in 2017 a study day was organised at Ushaw College near Durham for anyone who felt they might be drawn to accompanying those who are dying and those who are bereaved.

More than 100 people attended. Greatly encouraged by this response, the working group turned its attention to training and preparation for those who might wish to be involved in this important area of pastoral care.

A considerable time was spent by the working group putting a training and resource programme together. This was initially offered to a group of people we invited who had expressed an interest in this area of ministry. (This being a pilot group, receiving feedback was important.) The feedback was fascinating: not only had participants learned a great deal about death, dying and the impact of loss, but all felt it had been a personally formative experience.

During 2018 and 2019 several groups across the diocese took part in this training. Again, as in the pilot group, responses from these groups were very similar. Eventually, 20 people were invited from these groups to form a team who would be willing and committed to support others in their losses.  How would we be identified as a group? 

What better way than to go to the Scriptures and to reflect on the story of the journey to Emmaus where a stranger joins two sad and despondent disciples grieving after the death of their friend Jesus. And so, the Emmaus Bereavement Support Team was born and with it came further reflection and preparation, safeguarding training and DBS checks.

 Our Bereavement Support Service was officially launched by Zoom in April 2020 under the umbrella of the diocesan Vicariate for Faith and Mission.We couldn’t have asked for more significant timing. During those early months of lockdown, in every part of the globe, millions of lives were lost and personal worlds turned upside down; families were unable to visit their dying relatives; at sparsely attended funerals mourners were kept distant from each other, if they were allowed to be present at all. The global picture was replicated in our own diocese and members of our new team were only able to offer comfort and support either by phone or via Zoom.  

As restrictions lifted, team members were gradually able to meet people face to face. Thankfully, today, requests for care and support can be accessed and responded to quickly. The team has also been invited to lead Days of Consolation for those who, at any stage of their bereavement journey, would like to spend some time in prayer, reflection and the shared, but also unique journey of loss.

Bereavement is unavoidable when a much-loved person dies and the effects are shattering and lingering. For most people, there is great family and friendship support, but sometimes a bereaved person may seek some help outside of their own family network.

Such support is extremely sensitive, privileged and gentle. We are always aware that this is “holy ground”. The Via Dolorosa ­- the road of sorrow - may be long and hard, the paths difficult to negotiate and there may be times of exhaustion. It may be that in such times, and when people are at their most vulnerable that they are open to God’s healing gift. Like the disciples on the road to Emmaus, they are accompanied in their sadness but discover a way forward.

 Monsignor Kevin Nichols, a priest and poet of this diocese who died some time ago, wrote a beautiful poem entitled Emmaus. Some of the words speak of being a companion and the desire for companionship.

          “Hooded traveller, stranger and brother,

            sudden unlooked for friend,

          stay with us though the shadows lengthen,

            stay till the journey’s end.”

Christian Smith co-ordinates the work of the Emmaus Bereavement Support Team in the Diocese of Hexham and Newcastle.